Why Your Child Isn’t Using Coping Skills (and What to Teach First)
- Autism-Talk
- 6 days ago
- 7 min read
Table of Contents
Teach Awareness Before Strategies
Teach Choice Before Expecting Independence
How Different Coping Supports Work Together
Frequently Asked Questions
When Coping Skills Should Not Be Taught
Final Thoughts
Research References
Quick Summary (TL;DR)
Coping skills must be taught before children are expected to use them
Emotional awareness and body cues come before strategy instruction
Visual supports are often the most effective tool during distress
Coping strategies should never be forced
Progress happens through repeated, low-pressure exposure over time
If it feels like your child knows coping strategies but still can’t use them when they need them most, it can be incredibly frustrating. Why your child isn’t using coping skills (and what to teach first) often comes down to timing and missing foundational steps—not effort or motivation. This post will walk you through what needs to come first, and how to support coping skills in a way that feels more natural and less overwhelming.
1. Teach Awareness Before Strategies
Before a child can use a coping strategy, they need to notice:
body cues (tight muscles, fast movement, warm face)
early signs of stress
changes in energy or comfort
This is why emotional awareness and body cue instruction come before strategy instruction.
Visuals, simple language, and modeling work better than questions.
2. Teach Choice Before Expecting Independence
Many children are expected to independently choose a coping strategy before they understand what the options are and how to use them.
Research and practice suggest a better progression:
adult models coping options
child is offered limited choices
visuals remain available
independence develops gradually
Choice builds agency without pressure.
Some families and teachers find it helpful to use a visual choice board with 2–4 calming options so children can begin making supported choices without pressure.
This choice board is included in the Coping Skills Book available on Amazon but you can also make your own with images your child is familiar with
How Different Coping Supports Work Together
Coping skills are not taught through one tool alone. Each support serves a different purpose depending on timing and nervous system state.
Social Skill Stories: Building Understanding
Social skill stories help children:
learn why coping strategies exist
understand expectations in a non-threatening way
build familiarity with calming concepts
Research supports using stories during calm moments, not during meltdowns. When a child is regulated, stories support comprehension and emotional safety.
Many families use coping social skill stories as part of:
morning routines
calm-down corners
bedtime reading
During distress, the story may simply remain visible — not required.
Many families and teachers find it helpful to use a visual choice board with 2–4 calming options so children can begin making supported choices without pressure.
Adapted Books: Supporting Repetition and Predictability
Adapted books work especially well for:
children who benefit from repetition
concrete learners
visual processors
They allow children to:
interact with coping concepts
control pacing
revisit strategies frequently
Adapted books are ideal for teaching coping skills before they are needed.
Visual Supports: Access During Stress
Visual supports are often most effective in the early stages of emotional escalation, when children are beginning to feel overwhelmed but can still access and use supports.
They:
reduce language demands
increase predictability
remain accessible when verbal processing drops
Examples include:
calm-down choice boards
break visuals
body cue visuals
Visuals work best when they are:
taught during calm moments
consistently available
Worksheets: Building Reflection (When Calm)
Worksheets support:
reflection after dysregulation
identifying what helped
comparing strategies
They should not be used during meltdowns.
Instead, worksheets are best used:
later the same day
the next day
during calm check-ins
Repeated exposure builds insight over time.
When using worksheets, it’s helpful to focus on what to do, rather than what to avoid. Worksheets that highlight positive, expected behaviors (for example, “What can I try when I feel upset?”) tend to be more effective and supportive than those that focus on mistakes or undesired behavior.
It’s also important to consider learning styles. Many autistic children are strong visual learners and may respond especially well to worksheets that include clear visuals, simple language, and predictable formats. For these learners, worksheets can help make abstract social-emotional concepts feel more concrete and easier to understand.
That said, worksheets should never be forced. If a child is averse to pencil-and-paper tasks, this approach may not be the right fit in that moment. However, for children who enjoy fine motor activities—or for hyperlexic learners who are naturally drawn to letters, words, and structured tasks—worksheets can be a highly engaging and effective tool.
Rather than thinking of worksheets as a way to test or quiz children, it can be more helpful to view them as another opportunity for exposure. They allow children to revisit coping strategies, build familiarity, and strengthen understanding over time in a calm, low-pressure way.
Hands-On Activities: Teaching Through Movement
Activities such as:
breathing tools
sensory bottles
movement games
help children experience regulation rather than talk about it.
Research supports movement-based learning as a bridge to regulation, especially for children who struggle with language processing.
Studies on embodied cognition and motor-based learning suggest that children often understand and retain new skills more effectively when they are actively engaged in movement, rather than relying on verbal instruction alone (e.g., Glenberg AM & Kaschak MP, 2002; Diamond A, 2013).
This is especially relevant for autistic children, who may experience differences in language processing, attention, or sensory regulation.
In practice, this means that creating simple, hands-on activities around coping strategies can make a meaningful difference.
Activities like coloring a rainbow while practicing “rainbow breathing,” or making a calm-down jar, shift the focus away from emotions in the moment and into a calm, low-pressure learning experience. Instead of asking a child to talk about feelings during a stressful time, you’re introducing the concept in a way that feels safe, predictable, and concrete.
These activities also open the door for natural conversation. Children can share what they like, what they don’t like, and which strategies feel comfortable—without the pressure of being dysregulated. At the same time, the finished activity becomes a visual reminder of the strategy they practiced, making it easier to revisit later.
Just as importantly, hands-on activities can give children a sense of ownership over the strategies they are learning. When a child helps create or choose a coping tool, they are more likely to feel connected to it—and more willing to use it later. This sense of ownership supports buy-in in a way that simply being told what to do often does not.
And while this approach is often associated with children who have more verbal language, it can be just as valuable for non-speaking or minimally speaking children.
Many autistic children understand far more than they are able to express. Participating in hands-on activities, hearing simple language modeled, and being given opportunities to respond using AAC, PECS, gestures, or other communication systems can all support understanding over time.
For many children, learning happens best when the body is involved. Movement, visuals, and repetition work together to build familiarity—so that when a child does begin to feel overwhelmed, the strategy is not new, but something they have already experienced in a safe and supported way.
This is why hands-on coping activities are often one of the most effective ways to teach emotional regulation skills to autistic children.
Lanyard Cards: Portable, Low-Pressure Support
Lanyard cards are especially helpful for:
school settings
transitions
children who need discreet reminders
They provide:
quick visual access
independence without verbal prompting
consistency across environments
Lanyard cards work best when children are already familiar with the visuals they show.
For school or community settings, lanyard cards can give children quick, portable access to coping options without needing adult prompting.
Frequently Asked Questions About Teaching Coping Skills
Should children be required to use a coping skill?
No. Research does not support forcing coping strategies.
Coping skills are supports, not compliance tools. Offering access builds trust and long-term use.
What if a child refuses all coping strategies?
Refusal often means:
the strategy is being introduced at the wrong time
the child is overwhelmed
the child needs more exposure during calm moments
Refusal is communication, not failure.
How long does it take for coping skills to work?
Coping skills develop gradually.
Research and clinical experience suggest meaningful progress happens over months, not days, with repeated, low-pressure exposure.
When Coping Skills Should Not Be Taught
Coping skills should not be taught:
during meltdowns
during shutdowns
during moments of high distress
In those moments, the goal is safety and regulation — not learning.
Final Thoughts
Teaching coping skills to autistic children is not about teaching children to suppress emotions. It’s about giving them accessible tools, taught in the right order, at the right time, using the right supports.
When coping skills are taught with respect for nervous system differences, children are far more likely to use them — and far less likely to feel overwhelmed by the expectation to “calm down.”
🌈 Get Free Lanyard Cards for Teaching Waiting
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Research References
Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.
Mazefsky, C. A., et al. (2013). Emotion regulation in autism spectrum disorder. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.
Samson, A. C., et al. (2014). Emotion regulation in autism spectrum disorder. Autism Research.