Autism and Rules: How to Skip the Power Struggle
By Tracy, Rainbow Autism Resources · About 8 minutes to read
Imagine you’re about to walk around with your crackers, and someone says you have to sit at the table to eat them. You already had a plan. You were going to walk around with those crackers. Now this lady is telling you that you need to stay seated at this table. And as far as you can tell, the only reason is that she said so.
From the adult’s perspective, this was a small request. From the child’s perspective, someone just changed the plan and took away their say in what happens next. Those are two very different experiences of the same snack.
If you want to help an autistic child follow rules with fewer power struggles, start by choosing rules that serve a clear purpose, explaining why they matter, and giving the child some say in how they follow them. Understanding the reason can make a rule easier to accept. And sometimes, when I stop to explain the reason, I realize I’m asking for something I could be more flexible about, too.
TL;DR Keep the rules that protect safety, hygiene, access, or fairness. Explain the reason in concrete language, show what the rule looks like, and offer real choices wherever there’s room. An autistic child’s sense of fairness, interest in a favorite topic, or preference for visual information can help them make sense of a rule. Teach it ahead of time and expect some hard days anyway.
Table of contents
Autism and Rules: Why the Power Struggle?
A rule can turn into a power struggle when it changes a child’s plan, takes away a choice they were counting on, or asks them to do something that feels uncomfortable or uncertain.
Think about those crackers again. Maybe the child had planned to keep playing while they ate. Maybe they expected snack to work the way it does at home. Maybe they can tell you exactly why they want to walk around, or maybe all you hear is “No!” A sudden change can feel threatening to some children, especially if they’re already anxious or several other things have gone differently than they expected that day.
It’s easy to hear “No!” and assume the child wants an argument. Sometimes it can be more helpful to, What did they think was going to happen? If I can see the plan they had in their head, I have a better chance of helping them figure out what to do with the change.
You could say, “It looks like you were going to take your crackers back to the blocks. You can finish your snack here, or we can save it for when you’re ready to sit down.” That first sentence can make a difference. The child gets to hear that you understood what they wanted before you ask them to change course.
How can a strong sense of fairness help?
A strong sense of fairness can help an autistic child understand and even support a rule when they can see who it helps and how it works.
Many autistic children I’ve worked with have strong feelings about what’s fair, what’s right, and what’s wrong. They might be the first to notice that someone got skipped in a game or that an adult changed the rules halfway through. That attention can be a strength. If the rule is “Everyone gets a turn before anyone goes twice,” a child who cares about fairness may want to help keep track so nobody gets missed.
It also gives us an opening to explain why fair can look different from one person to the next. One child might use headphones during an assembly while someone else takes a seat by the door. You could say, “We’re all finding a way to be here that works for our bodies.” When a child points out an inconsistency, listen. Sometimes they’ve noticed a rule we forgot to explain. Sometimes they’ve noticed one we need to rethink.
Which rules are worth keeping?
Keep rules that solve a real problem, and give yourself permission to loosen rules that mostly reflect how you pictured an activity going.
When I’m deciding whether to insist on something, I ask, “Is safety an issue? Hygiene? Does this help other kids take part? Or do I strongly feel that it should be done this way because that’s what I had in my mind?”
Situation | What’s the rule there to do? | Considerations? |
Washing hands after using the bathroom | Help keep germs from spreading | Am I working on self-help skills or do I just need my child to remove germs before eating? |
Painting a picture | Give the child a chance to explore paint or practice a specific skill | Am I working on the fine motor aspect of holding the paint brush or just want the child to express themselves creatively? |
Using the slide "correctly" | Keep children safe | Is this a child that can understand that I am allowing them to walk up the slide today because there are not other children? |
Putting shared scissors away | Help the next person find the scissors | Is it more important to me that the room stay organized or that the child begins to understand how to clean up after themselves? |
This matters especially when a child is already anxious. Imagine being corrected about where you sit, how you hold a paintbrush, which color you picked, and what order you clean up, all in a few minutes. By the time the adult needs to enforce an important rule, the child may have already spent a lot of energy managing corrections.
And yes, adults can get attached to the plan they had in their heads, too. I can have a very clear picture of what an art activity is supposed to look like. Sometimes the child has an equally clear picture, and their version works just fine.
How can you explain why a rule matters?
Explain what the rule helps people do or what could happen without it, using one short sentence and an example the child can see.
“If you put the scissors back in the cup, the next person can find them easily” gives a child a reason they can picture. You can even look for a glue stick together when it’s out of place and talk about how easy it is to find when it’s back in its spot. Now the child has an experience to connect to the rule.
For a rule you need a child to follow quickly, teach the reason ahead of time. At the curb, you might say, “Stop. Stay with me.” When you’re somewhere calm, you can explain, “Cars move through the street, and drivers may have trouble seeing kids. We wait at the curb and cross with a grown-up when it’s safe.” If holding hands is part of your child’s crossing routine, practice it together before they need to use it.
How can you use your child’s strengths to teach rules?
Use what already helps the child learn, such as photos of familiar places, a favorite interest, or the chance to figure out how a rule works.
Show the rule in the place it happens. If your child learns well from pictures, take a photo of their actual snack spot or the bin where the scissors go. For a child who doesn’t yet read, the photo can carry the message. Try it and see whether they understand the photo without a long explanation.
Use a focused interest to make the reason concrete. If a child loves trains, use toy trains to show why one train waits while another uses a section of track. Then try the same idea with a toy figure waiting until the bottom of the slide is clear.
Let them help solve the problem. Try “How can we make sure everyone gets a turn?” A child might suggest a timer, a line, or a picture chart. If their solution works, try it.
Offer a choice you can actually honor. “Which chair would you like?” is a real choice when either chair is available. Even small choices give children a say in how they get through a routine.
Some children will understand the first time they see a photo. Others may need to watch you show them, try it with you, or practice many times to understand.
For examples of hands-on practice with another everyday expectation, see How to Teach Voice Volume. The National Autistic Society also has guidance on communication and visual supports.
How can social stories help autistic children understand rules?
A social skills story can explain what might happen in a situation, why a rule exists, and what choices a child has before they’re in the middle of it.
This is one reason social skill stories are often a good fit for getting children to follow rules. Some parts of a situation are true regardless of who is asking the child to do something. Cars travel down the street whether it’s Mom, Dad, or a teacher standing at the curb. Waiting with a grown-up helps us find a safer time to cross. The story gives us a way to look at what’s happening together, without the pressure of being right there at the curb.
If you make your own story, start with one situation your child recognizes. Describe what happens, show why it matters, and include what the child can do or ask. Keep it short enough to read together and use pictures that will be meaningful to your child. Read it when things are calm. You can ask, “What do you notice?” or “Where could we wait?” and let them point, act it out, or tell you.
I also want children to know that they can ask why, ask for help, and tell a trusted adult if someone asks them to do something that feels unsafe. A child can learn why a safety rule matters and still have a voice when an adult gives an instruction.
Where can you get Why Do We Have Rules?
My Why Do We Have Rules? picture book uses familiar situations to help young children talk about rules, why they exist, and which rules they use in their own lives.
You can write your own social story using examples and photos from your child’s day. If you’re short on time, you can download and print my story from TPT, or spend a little extra for the Amazon paperback and have it mailed to you already printed.
What if your child still doesn’t want to follow the rule?
When a child still says no, keep any immediate safety boundary in place, offer help or a choice where you can, and save the longer conversation for a calmer moment.
Understanding why is helpful, and there will still be times when a child simply does not want to give in. They might understand the rule perfectly and still really want to take the crackers with them. I can understand that feeling without getting into a back-and-forth about it. “You wanted to keep building while you ate. We can save the crackers for later if you want to go back to your blocks.”
If the same rule causes trouble most days, I’d look at the routine. Is snack announced while the child is in the middle of building something? Is there a place to sit that feels more comfortable? Could they see what happens next on a simple picture schedule? The answer might be to show the routine before snack starts, give the child time to finish their tower, or make a small change to the setup.
The next time you hear yourself repeating a rule, try asking, What do I need this rule to do? If you can answer in one sentence, you have something concrete to teach. If you’re struggling to come up with a reason, there may be more room for the child’s idea than you thought.
Frequently asked questions
Why does my autistic child follow rules at school but resist them at home?
The rule may be easier to predict at school, or your child may have less energy to manage changes by the time they get home. Ask what the routine looks like in both places and see whether a familiar cue or a more flexible home routine helps.
What if my child keeps asking why?
Give a short, concrete answer and see whether there’s a part of the rule that still feels confusing or unfair. If you’ve already answered and the child is upset, acknowledge that they want something different and revisit the question when you’re both calmer.
How many rules should I teach at once?
Start with one rule in a routine where it would make a meaningful difference. Practice it in that setting before expecting the child to use it somewhere else.
Can I use a social story with a child who doesn’t read yet?
Yes, you can read it aloud and use photos to show what happens. Invite the child to point, act out the situation, or show you what they recognize in a picture.
What if my child understands a rule but has trouble following it?
Look for what makes it hard to carry out, such as a sudden transition, an uncomfortable sound, or uncertainty about what to do first. Try one change to the routine and see whether it helps your child use what they already understand.
References
About the author
Tracy is the creator of Rainbow Autism Resources and a parent of autistic children. She holds master’s degrees in special education and autism and creates realistic, photo-based resources to help young children practice everyday social and life skills.
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